McSorley's Favorite Irish Jokes

Bragging
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”


The Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I've somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?”

“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at lest go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda... no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”


Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, “So what's bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “Aye, That he did, Father...”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...”


Sawmill Accident
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled “Mick, I've lost me finger!”

“Have you now,” said Mick. “And how did you do it?”

Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this...damn! There goes another one!”


Illness
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven't been feelin' meself lately!”

“Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!” responded McMaken.


Traffic Stop
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I've been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


Irish Prayer
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”


Irish Shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?” “Nothin’,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”


You've Been Out Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!”

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?” “The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”


I’ve Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I've lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks, “Where are you from?” “I'm from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.” "Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply. “I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.” “Of course!”

The second man can't help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?” “Saint Mary's,” replies the first man. “I graduated in ‘62.” “This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What's up?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replied the bartender. “The O'Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”


After I’m Gone
An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened, though of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let’s head for the pub and have a pint or two.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O’Malley's son whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “Aye, that I did because I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.”


Parking Space
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Go To Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Pedestrians
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"


Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


Encore
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


The Fight
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Quiet!
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Ten Commandments
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat
than Burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."